Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I thought summer would be a happy time, but I think all my friends in the tranplant world are having a hard time
I am back at home in California. I did not want to end my vacation early, but after visiting the ED, I had to. I am even missing Hurricane Alex-I am so mad I am missing that experience. But it is so good to be home and see the family and friends I love so much and who love me and are so supportive. I am also really excited to be doing 3, possibly 4 events for CTDN, 3 speaking 1 health fair in my town, my first health fair!
Anyways, to the meat of my blog. I am not sure if I keep basically repeating the same things, but I feel like I just need to get some of this out (and practice my writing skills), so here goes:
It seems like so many people in the transplant world are having trouble emotionally. I thought summer would be better for me, whenever I get that vitamin D from the California sun-I always perk up. I am doing ok emotionally-taking 3 Prozacs a day, 3 Oxy's for the severe pain, and Klonopin to relax, but besides that I feel like I am the voice of rationale in the family, telling everyone everything will be ok.
It seems like a lot of the people in the blog world have not been doing so well and/or are having depression like issues. I have been trying to stay "up" by doing positive things I love-things that make me happy.
I am a compulsive list maker, so not only do I love making this list, but looking over my lists gets my creative juices going, so I can get "up" again.
I have started reading a lot again, sometimes I really get into reading, I love memoirs, and non-fiction, I love to learn and don't want to waste time day dreaming.
I came home early because I though I was having rejection issues or something like that, but everything seems ok so far. The night before I went to get my biopsy to see if I was in rejection for the 3rd straight time (never been out of rejection) I hung out with my father just having some together time. We headed over to Borders and I saw the book: "Always Looking Up" by Michael J. Fox. Was a little reluctant to get it, but I wanted to see what he had to say. I say a documentary on him about a year ago, and he truly has done a lot for Parkinson's research.
I was reluctant to buy the book because I though it would be all "fluffy" about how great life was, and he just had to deal with being sick. I have read about half the book and this is not the case. Although alot of the book has made me reflect on what has happened on my health related journey and what is to come (and from this-and the high doses of Prednisone made me cry quite a bit) this is a pretty good book.
MJF has made me believe that he has a "happy medium" in being depressed from his illness, but living life to its fullest and fitting in everything he can. I am truly enjoying the book.
I often feel like the world wants me to be this over joyous person, who survived a heart trans plant and is "a walking miracle". But, with the consistency of feeling at about 20% of what a normal person should feel like, being over joyous is just too much of an effort-and I just can't do it. A lot of "sick" people want to show the world how strong they are and how their illness has not stopped them from doing anything. But I think that we all need to find this happy medium. It is okay to get frustrated and depressed. I feel that this is needed, you need to cry-get some of those chemicals (that we take everyday-pills) out of your body. But you also must get an appropriate amount of time to be fully "high on life". You can't really explain it to someone who has never been close to death, but after you come through, when you are overjoyed, it is hard to turn that joy off.
I think before I had the transplant I thought that everything would be great and I would be so happy, again, I must say that I am just at the very beginning of the marathon, (and if we are talking about the San Francisco marathon, we aren't even to the smallest hill yet).
Anyways I love to sew-once I turn on that creative juice I can't stop it. My little sister kind of likes to sew, so I made her help me with a quilt that I am going to take back to Tx. I think it is sooo cute!