Monday, February 22, 2010 Anxiety

Monday, February 22, 2010 Anxiety
I found the website transplantcafe.com. Everyone there is so nice and welcoming, its such a good website. But how can something that makes me feel so good most of the time, scare me that much. I get so much good information from the people on the website, but reading their stories and what is going on in their lives scares me so much. There are so many complications and things that can/might/will happen it scares me to death. One of the things that really scares me is having to get a retransplant. When I was first told I needed a transplant, the doctors made it seem that as long as I was a good patient there would be no problem getting another tranplant, but I read about people on the website who can not get another tranplant because they have too many antibodies. Along with cancer, pnemonia, etc. I get so overwhelmes, I thought I would live until like 60, this heart might only last a few years.
Every time right before I have a biopsy I freak myself out and get psychosymatic rejection symptoms that go away a week later. The day after the biopsy I feel terrible and stay in bed all day. I have been sicker than normal and have stayed in bed all day, everyday. Is this CMV? This also made me think am I realy going to be able to return to my intense program in the fall? I am worried that I am going to have trouble finishing micro by may. If I can feel good from June-August then I think I could return to school, if not I dont think I can start school because I literly can not miss a day. If I was in school right now I would have missed a week.
I had wine for the first time since transplant-at lunch-right after the biopsy. I am a little nervous, all of the sudden alcohol tastes really good. I kind of had made a pact with myself that would not drink, not that I was a big drinker to begin with, but if someone had my heart I would it treated with the utmost respect-which would mean no drinking. I wonder how the whole drinking thing is going to play out with me. The medicine has made me not like sweet things, like mixed drinks, so instead of ordering my own drink I have been drinking from others. I had a few drinks from other people alcohol this weekend when we went away.I sort of lied when I had my pretransplant evaluation. I told Flavio that I had only drank like 2 times, once on my 21st birthday, and one other randome time. I wasn't a crazy drinker, but that wasn't true. One of my best nights of my life was when Kara and I went with her friends on a bar crawl in Alameda. I finally felt like a normal 20 something. I had never done anything like that in my whole life, and I am yearning to do it again. That is when I decided I needed to get out more and meet people.
This weekend we went to Sea Ranch. It was so relaxing! Just want I needed to refuel. I had not been away since Colorado in the summer (when I first started taking heart meds).This weekend also made me realize how much I need to be with God more. I need to read my bible everyday, like a book. These last few days I have done well. I am hoping to read the new testament in 32ish days-about 10 chapters a day. I always think that the NT and OT are about the same in length, but I realized the NT is only about 200ish pages and the OT is like 500. I really want to read the whole bible while I am off, so I have a lot to go, and need to stay on this high.