Previous posts I didn't have time to upload

Tuesday, March 09, 2010-No thrush haha and depressing transplant support group.Today was another support group meeting, it was a presentation by Dr. Parek about coronary allograp vasculopathy. It was very informative and
interesting, it was like being in lecture again, but when my mindset changed from just thinking this was a normal medical lecture to this could be a
problem for me, I found the lecture very depressing. A lot of the time I feel like I am on the verge of crying, I don't know why, it's not like someone has hurt my feelings or I am depressed, I just feel like I
am about to cry. I have been doing so many fun things, I don't understand why I am feeling like this, and that is bothering me. I feel like with my family we do not talk about our emotions at all, so this is hard to talk with my mom about and so far Dr. Epstein has not really chatted
with me. Today, when leaving the support group he asked if I wanted to meet with him, but unless I am made to do it, I probably won't do it because it
makes me feel weak. It's like when I almost started crying in front of Dr. Parek, I felt like I was weak, and/or she was winning our fight, I could not let
her see me cry. I kind of just want to chat with a psychologist at the local hospital, but I don't want my family to know about it, so I have to wait until I
start driving again. Hopefully today will be better.
Monday, March 15, 2010This weekend I went to a pub with Jackies friends from school. It was on San Pablo and was kind of fun. I am trying to get Jackie and Jenn to do
more things like that, we all need to be more social. It was a nice group of people from her school, but we had nothing in common and our political
views were very different, so we did not get past just the first layers of conversations, hi, how are you, what is new, do you have a job yet, etc. Yesterday took 2 walks (almost 45 min total). I felt really good yesterday and feel really good today. I am waiting to see if nana wants to go on a
walk with me, her toe is hurting. I started back on the diet and feel pretty good. I feel so good about this diet becasue last time I did it, I was not that committed to it and I still lost about
40 pounds. So I am going to do the same this time and hopefully I will lose more. Hopefully getting the weight off will let me do more things easier with
this new heart. I would really like to do more distance running soon. This summer Kara is doing yoga at DVC with me, I am so excited! I am hoping
to get toned arms, my legs are pretty good, but I need to wait for my chest to finish healing before I do arm weights. Maybe I will do low resistance,
but with a lot of reps?Tomorrow is my monthly visit, but my first time with just Allomap!!!!! But I have not actually got the Allomap drawn yet, I didn't realize I needed an
appointment. Maybe after me and mom will do something fun! This weekend is Clear Lake, I am so excited. I haven't been in 2 years! Hopefully I can walk up the driveway and hopefully I can do the JetSki by
myself! I am so excited!

Ativan

Friday, March 26, 2010-Ativan
I am basically living off/functioning by constantly taking ativan and it doesn't even make the pain go away, it makes me a easier person to be with and
makes my anxiety lessen. I am worried because the doctors will only give me 10 ativan a perscription, so I started taking the klonopin. I am worried
that maybe this isn't the best thing to be doing (taking anti-anxiety medication-especially this kind) but I don't feel like I have any other options. I am sort
of worried I will get hooked on it. My legs continue to hurt and the team hasn't offered any solutions to the problem. When they confirmed I had neuropathy, they did not offer any solutions to help with it. I spend my day just trying not to cry infront of people. I don't know how I could go back to work like this.